Avoid This Job

Questionable Questions

One of the classic hallmarks of a Job To Avoid is the "Question As Subject Line" schtick. As we've seen in previous entries, from the odd to the off-putting, the answer is almost always a resounding "No." Sprinkled in, you might reply with an occasional "WTF?" or "That's PRIVATE" or, as in the case of today's job post, "I surely hope not."

 

I SURELY HOPE NOT.

The best possible outcome of sleep multi-tasking is that it creates fuel for your spouse to create an incredibly amusing blog at your expense. The worst possible outcome is... well, let's just say it's messy, violent and there's absolutely nothing amusing about it. More to the point: doing anything BUT sleeping (whilst sleeping) is not the mark of a good worker; it's the mark of someone with a profound sleep disorder. So... we're off to a bad start here, job poster. Let's see if it gets better!

OMG Dream Job!

ZOMG YOU GUYS! It has finally happened! A job has been offered! Now, I'm no mathmagician (that's what professional math-doers are called right?) but I'd put the statistical probability of finding a job posting INTENDED for job seekers WHO ARE ALSO seeking for employment at about... I dunno... one in a kabillion? That sounds right. Like finding a pearl in an oyster, or a shirt from Forever 21 that doesn't disintegrate when sunlight hits it.

Almost Famous

This is just... sad.

 
"Band Looking For Girls" -  great band name.

"Band Looking For Girls" - great memoir name.

"Band Looking For Girls" - heartbreaking job posting name.

The question that immediately comes to mind is: how unbelievably shitty must your band be that you have to ADVERTISE for groupies (or girlfriends?) Something is very wrong here. This ad was posted in Los Angeles, a city filled with millions of people who fit your precise, exacting specifications (that rare breed: girls who want to "have fun" and "meet new people"). Come on. It's HOLLYWOOD. At least 20% of the girls in question undoubtedly have yet to work through the insecurity, narcissism, body image and daddy issues that brought them to that great city! In other words: they are ideal candidates. So what is the hold up, fellas? You shouldn't be able to walk two steps from your filthy shared apartment without tripping over girls to exploit. They're L.A.'s number one import! And export!

I Will Always Love You-ou-ou-ou-ooooo! Oou.

At first glance, it would appear we can break this ad down, as per usual, focusing on each little piece of crazy as it comes, like so:

 

Red Flag #1: SO specific. SO weird. SO racist. Who knew a list of requirements could raise so many uncomfortable questions? Like: 

• Why would you want your bodyguard (i.e. human shield) to be articulate or sweet? Personally, I would want my bodyguard to be silent, and capable of deep cruelty. I MIGHT (might) be OK with a whimsical twinkle in his eye when I made a particularly witty comment, or an occasional pun or bon mot after he dispatched a would-be assassin... but that's about it. 
• What in God's name do you mean by "dark" black? Should I not bother applying if I am medium-black? What about if I am a chocolatey brown? Cafe Au Lait? What about a rich mahogany?? Maybe a color wheel would help.

Great, let's get started making fun of the rest of the ad!

You, Sir, Are No Gentleman

It sure seems like the word "gentleman" is getting thrown around a lot these days. Originally used to describe landed men of impeccable breeding, background and manners, it morphed slowly into a description of any considerate, kind, male-gendered person. To which we say, huzzah! 

However, in a most astounding turnabout, the word "gentleman" has someone now become (at least in America) a word primarily used in the description of airport-adjacent strip clubs. Um. Huzzah? Sure, in the 20th century you got the vote, ladies, but they got the word "gentleman" and attached it to The Landing Strip, just off Route 17. So maybe let's call it a draw.

Hey, and speaking of gentlemen...!

 

1) Gross.

Modern Times

There's a lot to love about this modern age: refrigerators, antibiotics, indoor plumbing, the joys of basic cable, Quarter Pounders with Cheese... I mean, sure, we're all undoubtedly hurtling towards some sort of massive, man-made apocalypse, careening into the black maw of human extinction... but we've sure made our ride nice n' comfy! 

And one of the comfiest aspects of our society? Even average joes can pay someone to do just about anything they don't want to do themselves. We pay people to mow our lawns, watch our kids, deliver bags of pre-cooked food directly to our doorstep... There's basically no job too personal/big/small/gross to be outsourced. Or is there...?

 

1) Is it possible you could have written this ad without using the phrase "pubic hair" in almost every sentence (and TWICE in the subject line?) We got it. We can't un-get it. It is pressed into our brain, like a male sex symbol is apparently pressed into the silken locks around your genital area.

The Worst Way To Party Like A Rock Star

Let us, for just a moment, talk once again about the qualities of a rock star. 

Rock stars are...

Talented? Occasionally.
Alcohol (ab)users? Often.
Eating disordered? Often.
Raging narcissists? Often.
Drug (ab)users? Often.
Promiscuous? Often.
Excellent providers of high-quality childcare services? Emphatically not.

And yet...

First of all, please, for the love of God, get a handle on your comma usage. This ad reads like it was dictated by a hiccuping William Shatner while he rode a horse sidesaddle.

A Job To Die For

This is one of those rare ads where the misspellings are so egregious, the grammar so profoundly disturbed, the typos so prevalent, it feels almost like art.

 

Things Smart People Avoid: 

• Rabid animals
• Trader Joe's parking lots
• Pyramid schemes
• The comedy of Jeff Dunham
• This job. And frankly, ANY job posting that contains an answer to the unasked question, "Hey, are you planning to murder the people who apply to this ad?" NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE ANSWER IS. Either way: that's a dealbreaker, ladies.

May You Live In Interesting Times

Thanks to Avoid This Job reader Jessica, we have new sadness to add to our The Kids Are Not Alright category:

 

Let's cut right to the chase here: 

WHAT IN THE HELL DOES "INTERESTING COMPENSATION" MEAN? 

Are you actually trying to sound like a molestation factory? Or the front for a child slavery ring? Because it doesn't sound good. At all. Phrases like "the shooting last about three hours" are not helping. 

Father Christmas

Let's see... just perusing the job listings... man, it's rough out there, not a lot to apply for...I wonder if--

OH HI

NO NOT AT ALL WHY DO YOU ASK

MY DAD LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE LARRY DAVID

ALSO WHY ARE WE YELLING AND REFUSING TO USE PUNCTUATION

CAN WE MOVE ON AND SEE WHAT ELSE YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS JOB