Avoid This Job

Brevity Is The Soul Of Wit

Thanks to Twitter, texting and instant messaging, there has never been a more glorious time for creative abbreviations and shorthand. Though Shakespeare once wrote, "Brevity is the soul of wit," he could not in his wildest, Midsummeriest dreams have imagined the lengths to which future generations would go. 

And Shakespeare, was, like, TOTES awesome. So one might think, yeah! Why waste energy on all those extra letters?! One MIGHT think that, until that fateful night when one MIGHT be walking down a crowded city street with one's friend and one MIGHT loudly exclaim that one "can't wait to get some tasty cocktails!"  Only one MIGHT not say "cocktails". One MIGHT, before one realized the outcome, choose to abbreviate that word. One MIGHT never live it down. 

Something for one to think about. Not like that, you know... HAPPENED to anyone here. No.

It is, however, a cautionary tale this job poster would have done well to consider.

 

Highlights:

• The profoundly wrong (on so many levels) way in which "assistant" was abbreviated.
• The jarring juxtaposition of non-stop shorthand/random MySpace-style capitalization with the request for "a bright girl." Weird hypocrisy. Also, just plain weird. Like a brain was deposited into the poster's skull, mid-sentence: "u smart??? u got hott azzz? lol u shld apply 4 r jobz! [BRAIN DEPOSIT] What the-- oh. Well. Yes. Excuse me, miss? Would you kindly apply for this finance job? Wonderful. I am Laughing Out Loud!"
• The brazen, all-caps insistence on INTERNS ONLY aka SLAVES ONLY aka NO PAY DO YOU UNDERSTAND WE WILL NOT PAY YOU.
• The request for "pix". Sigh.

If the concept of an unpaid personal ass position sounds appealing to you, I suppose we cannot stop you from applying. Hopefully someone will stop you from procreating. Best of luck.

Everyone else: avoid this job. 

(thanks to Jessica for the submission!)

 

Questionable Questions

One of the classic hallmarks of a Job To Avoid is the "Question As Subject Line" schtick. As we've seen in previous entries, from the odd to the off-putting, the answer is almost always a resounding "No." Sprinkled in, you might reply with an occasional "WTF?" or "That's PRIVATE" or, as in the case of today's job post, "I surely hope not."

 

I SURELY HOPE NOT.

The best possible outcome of sleep multi-tasking is that it creates fuel for your spouse to create an incredibly amusing blog at your expense. The worst possible outcome is... well, let's just say it's messy, violent and there's absolutely nothing amusing about it. More to the point: doing anything BUT sleeping (whilst sleeping) is not the mark of a good worker; it's the mark of someone with a profound sleep disorder. So... we're off to a bad start here, job poster. Let's see if it gets better!

Lost In Translation

Thanks to our anonymous submitter for this highly avoidable job!

So... call them stay-at-home moms, or housewives, or homemakers, or even mommy-bloggers... but we'd suggest you don't call them this:

You know, all those 'sitting-at-home mothers', with their bonbons and their daytime TV and their valium and their CONSTANT SITTING. Come ON, mothers. Try standing! Or leaning! What about a brisk walk, or a jaunty somersault once in a while? Would it kill you to try out a gentle jog, or even a casual stroll? Seriously.

Big Love

Thanks to Kate M. for today's submission. She says, "my husband sent me this link - he's considering applying for the job.  I let him know that, as his wife, I'm a little uncomfortable with the possibility..." As well you should be, Kate. As well you should be.

(We've highlighted the critical information for your reading pleasure. The rest is dull as dirt, so feel free to skim.)

 

Right. So... that's illegal. 

Bringing New Meaning To The Phrase 'Casting Couch'

Thanks to our anonymous submitter for this job listing. fantastic opportunity for any young actor to combine soul-sucking, reality show fame-whoring with actual whoring!

  
Highlights:

• While there are certainly sex workers who are also feminists, you appear to be using the two words interchangeably. That is... weird. 

• You want people to "act as" sex workers? To "improv" sex work? Just a little? Hmm. You know there is no "5-Second Rule" for sex work, right? It still counts. All the actual sex workers are "acting" too, just without the benefit of months of Meisner Technique classes and scene study over nonfat lattes at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.

Data Entry Ninja

Oh, hooray. 

More ninjas.

Recent Hogwarts Grads Only

At long last.

Finally! A wizard position has opened up! And just like those combo Taco Bell/Pizza Huts, like chocolate/peanut butter, someone has realized that nothing goes together like HTML/sorcery. 

Setting The Bar Too High

Not necessarily a dream job, but mostly OK until the second to last sentence. 

The ideal candidate is a part-time student with "unprecedented verbal, written and interpersonal communication skills."

Study Funded By The Monster Under Your Bed

Do you have kids? 

Want to earn an easy $175 by renting their tiny bodies to science? 

Sure you do!

Good Luck With That

Hello there, Overly-Specific-Job-Poster. Now, I am admittedly filled with a dank and dusty cynicism (much like an piñata, but overstuffed with broken dreams instead of candy.) Which is probably why I find your optimism in placing this ad odd, but mildly charming. 

Nevertheless, I'd advise you not to get your hopes up.