Avoid This Job

Notable Quotables

Dear Everyone, 

Who told you you could use quotation marks for emphasis? 

No, seriously, this is not a rhetorical question: WHO WAS IT, and how did this nightmare begin? Who or what is responsible, so that we might blame and/or maim them? Is it your parents? Educators? The Internet? Is it the same person(s) who told you to repeatedly spell-slaughter the word "whoa" by writing "woah"? I KNEW IT.

Look: both mistakes are so excruciating, it is mystifying how anyone could make them even once, let alone fill the tubes of the Internet with this nonsense. Simply looking at the word "woah" immediately causes tear-ducts to fill with blood, unborn babies to spontaneously abort themselves and a plague of locusts to fall upon the land. Hyperbole? NOT AT ALL. 

Although other sites can offer an in-depth exploration of the rampant misuse of quotation marks, we thought it best to briefly review the basics here. Quotation marks are not used for emphasis. That is not why they exist, nor is it a neat thing they do on the side. There are lots and lots and lots and LOTS of different ways to express something emphatically. Quotation marks are not one of them. 

That said: here is today's "job" to avoid!

Got it. You want some...thing that is LIKE a girl to live with you for an unspecified price and the exchange of menial labor? Awesome. You also have a random capitalization fetish? Got it. It seems impossible that this could get any creepier!

Oh.

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

It got creepier. 

But, to be fair... times are tough. I mean, sure, nobody wants to move in with a random stranger who uses the word "girl" even more repetitively than late-eighties NKOTB, but it's rough out there. It can be hard to find a place to crash. At least this is a way to get your own space, your own bed, and-- oh, I'm sorry, what's that?

I get to sleep on a SOFA.

In your BEDROOM. 

I mean, I do get access to the dinning room.... but come on, that's the noisiest room in the house!

It certainly sounds like you have a great life. Is anything missing?

Oh! IS "ll" that's missing l'il ol' me??? ME, the stranger reading this on craigslist?? How flattering and not at all weird or inappropriate! 

Two truly wonderful things about that paragraph: 

1) The deferential respect for how your future couch-sleeping-slave's sexual orientation might "turn out." 

2) The apparently sincere use of the word "sparkle"

So... there are a lot of questions that remain deeply, uncomfortably unanswered. I assume you will wrap up all the loose ends with your closing remarks?

Precisely my final question! Thanks! 

Read the full post here for more "fun". And hey: girls, "girls" and everyone else: AVOID THIS JOB. 

(thanks to the two different ATJ readers who submitted this "job" post, Herbelem and Anonymous. You guys are "awesome", and we "salute" you.)

 

I Will Always Love You-ou-ou-ou-ooooo! Oou.

At first glance, it would appear we can break this ad down, as per usual, focusing on each little piece of crazy as it comes, like so:

 

Red Flag #1: SO specific. SO weird. SO racist. Who knew a list of requirements could raise so many uncomfortable questions? Like: 

• Why would you want your bodyguard (i.e. human shield) to be articulate or sweet? Personally, I would want my bodyguard to be silent, and capable of deep cruelty. I MIGHT (might) be OK with a whimsical twinkle in his eye when I made a particularly witty comment, or an occasional pun or bon mot after he dispatched a would-be assassin... but that's about it. 
• What in God's name do you mean by "dark" black? Should I not bother applying if I am medium-black? What about if I am a chocolatey brown? Cafe Au Lait? What about a rich mahogany?? Maybe a color wheel would help.

Great, let's get started making fun of the rest of the ad!

You, Sir, Are No Gentleman

It sure seems like the word "gentleman" is getting thrown around a lot these days. Originally used to describe landed men of impeccable breeding, background and manners, it morphed slowly into a description of any considerate, kind, male-gendered person. To which we say, huzzah! 

However, in a most astounding turnabout, the word "gentleman" has someone now become (at least in America) a word primarily used in the description of airport-adjacent strip clubs. Um. Huzzah? Sure, in the 20th century you got the vote, ladies, but they got the word "gentleman" and attached it to The Landing Strip, just off Route 17. So maybe let's call it a draw.

Hey, and speaking of gentlemen...!

 

1) Gross.

A Job To Die For

This is one of those rare ads where the misspellings are so egregious, the grammar so profoundly disturbed, the typos so prevalent, it feels almost like art.

 

Things Smart People Avoid: 

• Rabid animals
• Trader Joe's parking lots
• Pyramid schemes
• The comedy of Jeff Dunham
• This job. And frankly, ANY job posting that contains an answer to the unasked question, "Hey, are you planning to murder the people who apply to this ad?" NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE ANSWER IS. Either way: that's a dealbreaker, ladies.

Spider Sense

Spiderman is a pretty lucky guy. Granted, maybe not so much the day he was bitten by a radioactive spider in a freak accident at a science exhibition. That probably kind of sucked (your lab has enough money for a particle accelerator but not for a exterminator? Come on. That's just slovenly.) But to be fair that was really Peter Parker's crappy day, not Spiderman's. And actually, it worked out pretty well for him in the end. 

Wall-crawling, super-strength... all pretty cool. But the spider sense is really the prize. He can "sense danger" and has almost precognitive abilities! So vague. So awesome. So irritating if you are trying to plan him a surprise party. So what does this have to do with avoiding jobs? 

Knight In Shining Armor

Many thanks to AvoidThisJob reader Aubriane for submitting this creepy find!

 

Well, hello Prince Charming! What a chivalrous hero! Helping ladies who "need rescued" is a dying art, so it's good to know there are still some gentlemen out there, looking out for those who are "down on their luck." Sure, like all charitable people/institutions, you have a age/weight restriction, but so what? It's like that plaque on the Statue of Liberty says: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free... (P.S. NO FATTIES)" 

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Hey, male models! Ever get the sense that there's something more out there? I mean, sure, you've got it pretty good. You won the genetic lottery, and you're living the dream: able to use your God-given, gym-perfected rippling abs, chiseled jaw and muscular calves for the power of good (also known as the selling of cologne, or, "The Fragrancing of America.") 

Doggie Day Care

This is quite possibly the greatest job listing this blog has ever seen. Best enjoyed when read aloud, with a somber and dramatic flair; think James Earl Jones meets your high school drama teacher.

(click to enlarge image)

Right? Imagine, for example, James Lipton of 'Inside The Actors Studio' delivering lines like "Walk the most cutest male Pomeranian...!" It is the stuff dreams are made of.

Study Funded By The Monster Under Your Bed

Do you have kids? 

Want to earn an easy $175 by renting their tiny bodies to science? 

Sure you do!

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

Look, you want to make an easy $25. Who doesn't? But sometimes, you're really in the mood to make that sweet, easy money and simultaneously risk getting shot point-blank in the face. Well, lucky you! This job posting is here to make your dream a reality.