Avoid This Job

Brevity Is The Soul Of Wit

Thanks to Twitter, texting and instant messaging, there has never been a more glorious time for creative abbreviations and shorthand. Though Shakespeare once wrote, "Brevity is the soul of wit," he could not in his wildest, Midsummeriest dreams have imagined the lengths to which future generations would go. 

And Shakespeare, was, like, TOTES awesome. So one might think, yeah! Why waste energy on all those extra letters?! One MIGHT think that, until that fateful night when one MIGHT be walking down a crowded city street with one's friend and one MIGHT loudly exclaim that one "can't wait to get some tasty cocktails!"  Only one MIGHT not say "cocktails". One MIGHT, before one realized the outcome, choose to abbreviate that word. One MIGHT never live it down. 

Something for one to think about. Not like that, you know... HAPPENED to anyone here. No.

It is, however, a cautionary tale this job poster would have done well to consider.

 

Highlights:

• The profoundly wrong (on so many levels) way in which "assistant" was abbreviated.
• The jarring juxtaposition of non-stop shorthand/random MySpace-style capitalization with the request for "a bright girl." Weird hypocrisy. Also, just plain weird. Like a brain was deposited into the poster's skull, mid-sentence: "u smart??? u got hott azzz? lol u shld apply 4 r jobz! [BRAIN DEPOSIT] What the-- oh. Well. Yes. Excuse me, miss? Would you kindly apply for this finance job? Wonderful. I am Laughing Out Loud!"
• The brazen, all-caps insistence on INTERNS ONLY aka SLAVES ONLY aka NO PAY DO YOU UNDERSTAND WE WILL NOT PAY YOU.
• The request for "pix". Sigh.

If the concept of an unpaid personal ass position sounds appealing to you, I suppose we cannot stop you from applying. Hopefully someone will stop you from procreating. Best of luck.

Everyone else: avoid this job. 

(thanks to Jessica for the submission!)

 

You, Sir, Are No Gentleman

It sure seems like the word "gentleman" is getting thrown around a lot these days. Originally used to describe landed men of impeccable breeding, background and manners, it morphed slowly into a description of any considerate, kind, male-gendered person. To which we say, huzzah! 

However, in a most astounding turnabout, the word "gentleman" has someone now become (at least in America) a word primarily used in the description of airport-adjacent strip clubs. Um. Huzzah? Sure, in the 20th century you got the vote, ladies, but they got the word "gentleman" and attached it to The Landing Strip, just off Route 17. So maybe let's call it a draw.

Hey, and speaking of gentlemen...!

 

1) Gross.

A Job To Die For

This is one of those rare ads where the misspellings are so egregious, the grammar so profoundly disturbed, the typos so prevalent, it feels almost like art.

 

Things Smart People Avoid: 

• Rabid animals
• Trader Joe's parking lots
• Pyramid schemes
• The comedy of Jeff Dunham
• This job. And frankly, ANY job posting that contains an answer to the unasked question, "Hey, are you planning to murder the people who apply to this ad?" NO, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE ANSWER IS. Either way: that's a dealbreaker, ladies.

May You Live In Interesting Times

Thanks to Avoid This Job reader Jessica, we have new sadness to add to our The Kids Are Not Alright category:

 

Let's cut right to the chase here: 

WHAT IN THE HELL DOES "INTERESTING COMPENSATION" MEAN? 

Are you actually trying to sound like a molestation factory? Or the front for a child slavery ring? Because it doesn't sound good. At all. Phrases like "the shooting last about three hours" are not helping. 

Wanted:spell Check,strunk,white.

The inappropriate capitalization and deeply claustrophobic punctuation of the subject line is a great way to start this job post, striking just the right note of 'unprofessional, with a hint of crazy'.

 

1) When you say "not a strip club" you actually mean "more of a creepy sex club for weirdos," right? Cool. Just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

Spider Sense

Spiderman is a pretty lucky guy. Granted, maybe not so much the day he was bitten by a radioactive spider in a freak accident at a science exhibition. That probably kind of sucked (your lab has enough money for a particle accelerator but not for a exterminator? Come on. That's just slovenly.) But to be fair that was really Peter Parker's crappy day, not Spiderman's. And actually, it worked out pretty well for him in the end. 

Wall-crawling, super-strength... all pretty cool. But the spider sense is really the prize. He can "sense danger" and has almost precognitive abilities! So vague. So awesome. So irritating if you are trying to plan him a surprise party. So what does this have to do with avoiding jobs? 

Bringing New Meaning To The Phrase 'Casting Couch'

Thanks to our anonymous submitter for this job listing. fantastic opportunity for any young actor to combine soul-sucking, reality show fame-whoring with actual whoring!

  
Highlights:

• While there are certainly sex workers who are also feminists, you appear to be using the two words interchangeably. That is... weird. 

• You want people to "act as" sex workers? To "improv" sex work? Just a little? Hmm. You know there is no "5-Second Rule" for sex work, right? It still counts. All the actual sex workers are "acting" too, just without the benefit of months of Meisner Technique classes and scene study over nonfat lattes at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.

Knight In Shining Armor

Many thanks to AvoidThisJob reader Aubriane for submitting this creepy find!

 

Well, hello Prince Charming! What a chivalrous hero! Helping ladies who "need rescued" is a dying art, so it's good to know there are still some gentlemen out there, looking out for those who are "down on their luck." Sure, like all charitable people/institutions, you have a age/weight restriction, but so what? It's like that plaque on the Statue of Liberty says: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free... (P.S. NO FATTIES)" 

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

Hey, male models! Ever get the sense that there's something more out there? I mean, sure, you've got it pretty good. You won the genetic lottery, and you're living the dream: able to use your God-given, gym-perfected rippling abs, chiseled jaw and muscular calves for the power of good (also known as the selling of cologne, or, "The Fragrancing of America.") 

Doggie Day Care

This is quite possibly the greatest job listing this blog has ever seen. Best enjoyed when read aloud, with a somber and dramatic flair; think James Earl Jones meets your high school drama teacher.

(click to enlarge image)

Right? Imagine, for example, James Lipton of 'Inside The Actors Studio' delivering lines like "Walk the most cutest male Pomeranian...!" It is the stuff dreams are made of.